Passion Week

Palm Sunday is tomorrow and I dread it. Don't misunderstand me please. I love going to Mass, especially during Holy Week, and Palm Sunday starts it all off, yet, there is something that is asked of me that makes me cringe every year at this time and it is the reading of the passion. I cannot count how many times I've read the passion of Christ in the gospels or on Palm Sunday but it is the reading of it at Mass that I can barely stomach. Why?

I'm not sure what the set up for the reading of the passion is in other parishes, but in my parish, we have three people up front near the alter who read the different parts and the congregation has its own role to play. First we have a narrator who begins the reading. Second, the priest is assigned the words of Christ found in the reading, and another person reads the parts of the persons such as Pilate, the High Priest etc...then the final part spoken by the congregation, us, as the voice of the people.

I've never enjoyed seeing a man kicked while he is down. You know what I mean, that when a man realizes he made the wrong decision about something, or did something he was told he'd regret and now finds himself in deep trouble or injured because of his own actions and knows how wrong he was and now repents of his actions or words. This happens often and sadly, because of our humanity, it will continue to happen but what disgusts me the most are the people around him that come and say to him, without lifting a helpful hand to him, "I told you so. You should have listened to me...now you get what you deserve!" I know when I've done something wrong and realize I should have listened to others advice.  I regret it. I do not NEED anyone to tell me I did wrong. I know I did and their telling me is nothing more than pouring salt in my wounds.

Why am I writing all of this? It is because of the role that we, I, have to speak in the reading of the Passion that totally disgusts me and that is when we cry out "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!". I know I'm a sinner along with everyone else and in knowing this, I try to make amends, repent, go to confession and start anew. I know the reason He came was to save us from a calamity of our own making. I'm truly sorry someone had to die because of my actions. Crying out "Crucify Him!" is pouring salt in my wounds sin has caused. I do not NEED to be assigned the role of crying out, "Crucify Him!!" to know all this.

Yes, I know, I am just reading words that were uttered ages ago, but it is far more than that. We are reading the words of the gospels. I'm reading the WORD! Christ! I do not need reminding that I crucified God on that torturous cross.

Crying out these words in the Passion of Christ makes such an impact on me, that in the last few years, I barely whisper them when our time comes to say them, hoping (somehow, in my delusional state of a sinners mind?) that God doesn't hear me say them. I've never told anyone of this before and I'm not sure why. Perhaps they would have been able to explain to me in a helpful manner why it is okay to read these words aloud, and why I should or should not feel bad about saying them. In any case, here I am again. Another year, another Holy Week  starting with Palm Sunday and cringing all over again.

I am sorry for my sinfulness and have repented, but please, don't make me cry out, "Crucify Him!" again...I cannot bear it.