Passion Week

Palm Sunday is tomorrow and I dread it. Don't misunderstand me please. I love going to Mass, especially during Holy Week, and Palm Sunday starts it all off, yet, there is something that is asked of me that makes me cringe every year at this time and it is the reading of the passion. I cannot count how many times I've read the passion of Christ in the gospels or on Palm Sunday but it is the reading of it at Mass that I can barely stomach. Why?

I'm not sure what the set up for the reading of the passion is in other parishes, but in my parish, we have three people up front near the alter who read the different parts and the congregation has its own role to play. First we have a narrator who begins the reading. Second, the priest is assigned the words of Christ found in the reading, and another person reads the parts of the persons such as Pilate, the High Priest etc...then the final part spoken by the congregation, us, as the voice of the people.

I've never enjoyed seeing a man kicked while he is down. You know what I mean, that when a man realizes he made the wrong decision about something, or did something he was told he'd regret and now finds himself in deep trouble or injured because of his own actions and knows how wrong he was and now repents of his actions or words. This happens often and sadly, because of our humanity, it will continue to happen but what disgusts me the most are the people around him that come and say to him, without lifting a helpful hand to him, "I told you so. You should have listened to me...now you get what you deserve!" I know when I've done something wrong and realize I should have listened to others advice.  I regret it. I do not NEED anyone to tell me I did wrong. I know I did and their telling me is nothing more than pouring salt in my wounds.

Why am I writing all of this? It is because of the role that we, I, have to speak in the reading of the Passion that totally disgusts me and that is when we cry out "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!". I know I'm a sinner along with everyone else and in knowing this, I try to make amends, repent, go to confession and start anew. I know the reason He came was to save us from a calamity of our own making. I'm truly sorry someone had to die because of my actions. Crying out "Crucify Him!" is pouring salt in my wounds sin has caused. I do not NEED to be assigned the role of crying out, "Crucify Him!!" to know all this.

Yes, I know, I am just reading words that were uttered ages ago, but it is far more than that. We are reading the words of the gospels. I'm reading the WORD! Christ! I do not need reminding that I crucified God on that torturous cross.

Crying out these words in the Passion of Christ makes such an impact on me, that in the last few years, I barely whisper them when our time comes to say them, hoping (somehow, in my delusional state of a sinners mind?) that God doesn't hear me say them. I've never told anyone of this before and I'm not sure why. Perhaps they would have been able to explain to me in a helpful manner why it is okay to read these words aloud, and why I should or should not feel bad about saying them. In any case, here I am again. Another year, another Holy Week  starting with Palm Sunday and cringing all over again.

I am sorry for my sinfulness and have repented, but please, don't make me cry out, "Crucify Him!" again...I cannot bear it.

Introducing....

Welcome to my new blog, the Resolute Catholic. As a Catholic, I have many questions(not doubts) about my faith and I try to seek out answers. It's not always easy, but the resources afforded to me by two thousand years of Catholic faith leaves me with all I need in order to find those answers.

I never found it easy to be Catholic, and admittedly, I have found it very difficult most times. I don't always live up to my faith, but as He says, the spirit is willing, though the flesh is weak. I have my own thorns to deal with and as with St. Paul, God seems to think it best that I keep them for the moment and depend on His graces to sustain me. I may not like it, but there it is.

It is said that God knows us better than ourselves, yet, I know enough to the extent that I don't always like myself, or what I do or think at times. I know my perfection is yet out of reach and I need patience. Yes...that 'P' word. I find it difficult to accept praise,  especially when someone tells me I'm a good man. I vehemently disagree with their assessment of me, for I know what passes through my thoughts at times and it ain't very Catholic at all. If I'm good at all, then it is our Lord within me that is good. I cannot take credit for this goodness that I supposedly possess.

Yes, I hate my life in this world, and the only consolation I have in saying this is what Christ said, that it is in hating our life in this world that we will save it. Of course I love my family and others around me, my Church and all that my faith encompasses, still, this life is burdensome as far as my spirituality is concerned. I do hope God changes that for me for I certainly cannot do it on my own. That I do know without a doubt.